Do, don't tell: Transitions

One area of conflict with toddlers and preschoolers which seems universal is times of transition.  "Okay, now we're going outside" or "Now it's time to eat dinner" can make a toddler upset since they're likely absorbed in whatever they're already doing.  Some parents make it worse by not only announcing a complete change in activity, but also asking for approval for such a strange and upsetting idea:  "Now we're going in the car, okay?" the parents ask.

I ask, why make announcements, why ask questions?  Sure, everyone needs a warning of something they'll have to do soon.  A fifteen-minute warning, a ten-minute warning and a five-minute warning works wonders.  Just matter-of-fact statements about what's going to happen so that everyone knows.  

But when the time comes, it's best just to go ahead and start the process-- start putting away the toys, putting on the shoes, taking his hand and leading him to the car-- whatever it is that needs to be done, even with a fun challenge attached like "ok, let's see if we can get in the car in 10 seconds."  This way, the child is not put in the position of approving of anything, or disapproving-- it's simply what is happening, and he already knows about it from the warnings. 

Try it and let me know what happens.

Why Karate??

Kicking, punching and yelling?  Yes, and also focus, body control, discipline.  I started studying karate about five years ago for exercise and the art of it, at a very traditional school.  Seeing me practice inspired our younger daughter, who was then nine, to join also.  Now we're both black belts (just tested this past year) and I have to say it has been a great thing and a calming thing for us both.  If you're interested, check out the video I made there in the column on the right.

What kinds of things remind you to slow down?

Once I was on the beach with our younger daughter Natalie, and she and I were walking from where we'd parked to where our towels were.  I don't remember where everyone else was or why I was walking so fast, but I stopped to look back at her since she was lagging behind.  She was about 3 at that point and she was holding a shell.

"Mama," she said, "if you go slow, you'll see stuff."

Yes, including her.

Toddler and preschool years

I am thinking of writing a follow-up to Baby Love about the toddler and preschool years.  I have a lot of ideas for topics-- Sleep, Food, Play, Outings, Learning, Body-- but I'm also interested in your ideas for topics you'd like to see me include or touch upon.

Please write a comment listing any topics you'd like me to include.

Let's hear it for the fathers!

Happy Fathers Day to the Dads!
The strong snuggly arms, the slap-dash diaper changes, the shoulder-carries, the airplane-whooshes, all the support of the moms-- you may not have milk, but boy are you the best!

Potty on the Go

We all want our babies to grow out of diapers, but in many ways it's easier when they're in diapers, right?  You can set up or find a clean place to change a diaper anywhere, but clean toilets are rarely nearby when you're on the go with a toddler or young child.  

One solution that worked well for us was to have a little plastic potty seat in the back of the car with a box of tissues or wipes.  No matter where you are, your child can "go potty" just before you arrive, in the back of your car or in the shade of your car, by the side of the highway, in the mall parking lot or at the gas station, and you just dump out the proceeds the next chance you get.   We kept a potty in the back of our car throughout the preschool years.

Welcome.

This blog is a companion to the book Baby Love: A Tradition of Calm Parenting which was published in 1998.

I offer this space to parents of all-aged babies, children and teens to discuss and compare notes about trying to raise children in a calm, back-to-basics way.

Our daughters are now 15 and 13, and I spend most of my time painting, but I'm still very interested in promoting a calm approach to parenting.